Sharon Fisher Bassett Memorial Fund

Here Are Some Warning Signs You Should Look Out For

By: Lanna McCain

Hi, my name is Lanna. When I was twenty one years old I met the man I was going to marry. It was my first serious relationship. Things started out innocently enough. He was quiet, kind and attentive. He focused a spotlight of attention on me which felt good. But slowly I became aware of things about him that did not seem right. My own instincts told me that there was something wrong with him. I could not put my finger on what is was. So I tried to focus on the positive and put it out of my mind. I wish I had listened to my own inner voice because over the years he became progressively more abusive. He always blamed his abusive behavior on me. He punched holes in walls. Abused marijuana and cocaine. Broke all of my possessions. Called me vile names and swore at me. Threw things at me. Isolated me from friends and family. Eventually he began hitting me with his fists and in 1993 tried to murder me with a baseball bat. I subsequently got an order of protection and divorced him. I worked for ten years after that helping counsel woman in a battered women’s shelter. I do not consider myself an expert on domestic abuse. But rather a passionate advocate of abused women.

I am writing this article in the hopes of alerting other women and girls to the warning signs or red flags to look for in their dating relationships that may signal an abusive man so that hopefully I can spare someone else the pain I went through. If you can identify abusive characteristics early you can get out before you spend years being abused with all of the accompanying physical and emotional damage. Not all abusers will have all of these characteristics. But they are all abuse. If he has one you should be very wary. If he has more than one you should seriously consider ending the relationship. He is abusive and it will escalate with time.

Be very wary of a man who tries to rush you into a serious committment, living together or tells you he loves you in the first six months of dating. It takes a long time to get to know someone on many levels. There is never any reason to rush into marriage or a commitment until you have seen how someone reacts in many of life’s situations. Marriage is a difficult thing to get out of once you are in it. Ask yourself: What is his hurry?

Does the man you're with push you to do things sexually that you don’t want to do? Does his sexual attention feel more like a violation than intimacy? Be extremely wary of a man who does not seem to respect your sexual or physical boundaries. If you don’t feel ready to move on to the next stage of sexual intimacy he should respect that. If he doesn’t and keeps pushing you to do things you don’t want to do that is a BIG problem. You have a right to say “No” at any time in an intimate relationship. If you're not comfortable then he should respect that and not push. If he does that, it is abusive behavior and a violation. It is your body not his and you have a right to set boundaries.

Does the man you're dating try to get you to take unsafe risks or go against your values, morals or beliefs? Does he ridicule or make fun of your values, morals, or religious beliefs? If he does this is abusive behavior. Abusers will try to get you to go against your values, morals, or beliefs so that they can make you feel bad about yourself. If you feel bad about yourself then you will be easier to control.

Does the man you're dating abuse alcohol or illegal drugs? When confronted does he tell you that he doesn’t have a problem? Does he try to ply you with alcohol or drugs so that you will let down your inhibitions and do what he wants? The abuse of alcohol or illegal drugs often accompanies domestic violence. Studies have shown that abusers who do this are more likely to seriously injure or kill their partners.

Do you wonder where the “nice” guy goes when the man you’re dating gets angry? Does he seem to have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality? One minute nice, pleasant and attentive and the next in an angry rage when things don’t go his way. These extreme changes in mood and behavior are common in an abuser.

Does the man you’re dating tell you that if you would just change certain things about yourself that you’d be perfect for him? Do you often feel as if nothing you say or do is ever good enough for him? This is abuse. Someone who cares about you accepts you for who you are. They don’t expect you to change or jump through hoops to please them.

Does the man you're dating call you vile names, use profanity and say cruel things when he gets mad? This is verbal abuse. Hurting someone emotionally and tearing them down is not the correct way to express anger and it is abusive.

Does the man you're dating punch holes in walls, throw things at you, slap you, break things or restrain you when he gets angry? This is all physical abuse and it will escalate with time. Abuse is not just hitting someone with a fist. It is any kind of physical contact or threat of physical harm used to control or harm another person.

Do you often feel manipulated, controlled or as if you are “crazy” in your relationship? Does he start an argument or confront or hurt you and then tell you “You’re out of control” or “You’re crazy” or say “I never said or did that” or “You provoked me”or “You’re overreacting.” This is a common tactic used by abusers to justify their abuse. They will always blame someone else for their problems. They will never be held accountable. The truth is that the only one accountable for his abusive behavior is HIM. You didn’t cause or provoke it in any way. Is the man you’re dating abusive to animals or pets? Studies have shown that men who are abusive to animals are much more likely to abuse a woman in a domestic situation.

Does the man you’re dating try to threaten or coerce you to do what he wants? Using threats or coercion is abuse. There is a very good chance that he will make good on those threats. Abuse always escalates. It does not get better with time. If you are being abused please seek counseling to end the relationship. You are not alone. There are people who understand and want to help.

First published July 2007