Sharon Fisher Bassett Memorial Fund

 Some Things You Can Do to be Safer if You Are Being Abused

by Lana McCain

If you are being abused, the best option is to leave. But if you are going to stay there are things you can do to stay safer.

No type or amount of abuse is ever acceptable. Abuse is NOT just hitting someone with a fist. It can include pushing, restraining, shoving, scratching, slapping, breaking things, throwing things, forcing sex you don't want, coercion, threats, verbal abuse of all kinds such as name calling, screaming, and criticism. It can also include sleep deprivation and controlling behavior such as demanding to handle all money, irrational jealousy, ordering you around, and other controlling behavior. This is ALL abuse. None of it is okay. If you think you may be being abused you probably are. He will probably tell you that you deserve his abuse. That you somehow provoked or caused him to abuse you. This is wrong. No one is accountable for his abuse except for him. You are not to blame. There is NEVER any excuse for abuse.

Make sure you keep a cell phone with you at all times pre-programmed with the local police phone number. You can also purchase disposable cell phones and hide them in your home to use in an emergency. They are untraceable. You can also purchase a pre-paid phone card. The numbers you call will not show up on your phone bill. You can use them in non-emergency situations to make calls.

Have at least TWO safe locations picked out in advance that you can go to in an emergency. This can be a friend's house, a neighbor's house, a relative's house or an emergency shelter. Arrange in advance to be able to go there. Find out the location of your local battered women's shelter and make a practice run to go there. At these two safe locations keep a bag packed with the following items: extra clothing, cash and change, copies of house and car keys, medications you and your children need, copies of important paperwork such as birth certificates, marriage certificate, social security cards, financial documents, copies of cherished photos, diapers if you have young children, and any other necessary items.

Make sure you know the exits from every room in your home or apartment. These include doors, windows, and fire escapes. When an attack happens try to stay out of rooms with weapons such as bedrooms, kitchen, or garage. If there are guns in the home and you can do so safely separate ammunition from guns.

Don't keep the secret of abuse. Tell someone what you are going through. Talk to a friend, co-worker, family member, or neighbor. Don't be ashamed or feel responsible for the abuse. You are not to blame and you did not cause the abuse. Keep talking and asking for help until someone helps you. Log onto http://www.BrokenSpirits.com. It is a support web site and you will find many caring people there who understand what you are going through. You can post anonymously or just read other peoples posts. Don't suffer alone. You are not alone and there are many people who care about you.

Consider going to a battered women's shelter in your area. You can call them in advance and ask questions. At most of them you can stay a minimum of three months. They will assist you with counseling, housing, money, and legal aide. They are a safe place for you to go. Don't be afraid. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. At most of them you can get a job and save money. At many shelters they offer assistance with child care.

If you can open a separate bank account and put money in it when you can. Open it in your name only.

If you do plan to leave make sure you keep your plans a secret. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING OR ANNOUNCE IT.THIS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves. Once you leave do not go back under any circumstance. You can call the local police station and request that an officer meet you there to get your things. Never go back alone.

Once you do leave get an order of protection from the court or a no contact order. HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM AFTER YOU LEAVE. This is extremely important. Change cell phone numbers and mailing addresses and tell friends and family members that you do not want to have contact with him of any kind. The reason this is important is because you need time to heal. You need time away from his influence. If you talk to him he will threaten, coerce, beg, and lie to get you to go back.

Purchase a copy of the book Why Does He Do That? by Bancroft Lundy. Get into counseling with a therapist experienced working with domestic violence victims. This is important because there are special issues involved with domestic abuse. Do not agree to joint marriage counseling. It does not work with abusive men.

Try to document any abuse or injuries. Take pictures of any injuries. Go to the doctor or hospital for treatment and call the police when he physically abuses you. This is important because you may need evidence of his abuse should you decide to divorce for a protection order and to get him custody or supervised visitation with your children.

Remember it is always best to leave an abusive situation. Abuse always escalates. It never gets better on its own. You cannot confront or argue with someone who is abusive. That will get you hurt or killed. You need to leave as soon as possible. You are not alone. There are people who care and want to help.